Trade-in Files: Bro, Do You Even Lift?

"As Du Volant" (skuhnphoto) 06/30/2014 at 10:45 • Filed to: trade-in files, bro trucks

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It's Monday and I've had a chance to do my morning lot walk, and boy do I have a gem from Friday afternoon's business.

On Friday I featured a Dakota decked out with the finest skulduggery (h/t to thebigbossyboss for reminding me this word existed) Wal-Mart's auto aisle had to offer.

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Today's feature will send the Dakota skulking away to hide, though. For your Monday enjoyment, we've got a bro truck!

Done right, a lifted truck can be a formidable machine. This one has not been done right. Where do I begin?

First, the lift kit. The majority of it consists simply of giant spacers like the one shown here. Who cares about performance, this truck's jacked up high, bro!

And, the wheels. Nothing does offroad performance better than 22 inch chrome wheels with low profile tires! These fine rims are from a brand called Incubus (?) and already are pitting and corroding like crazy despite being at most 4 years old (the truck is a 2010). Are they cheap rims? Did Broseph not bother to keep them clean during the Rust Belt winters? I'd guess both.

Whether it's an off roader or a sports car, nothing makes a vehicle look beefy quite like some fat fender flares stuffed to the brim with tire. In this day and age nobody rivets them on anymore, but they do come with simulated chrome rivets so they at least look riveted on. Not in this case, though. This truck has fender flares with dimples. Just... dimples.

Our bro friend wanted to have his truck looking its best when he traded it in, so he made sure to shine the tires before bringing it to the dealership. Gotta make the truck sparkle. Lots of tire shine! ALL the tire shine! And now it's all over the sides of the truck.

The driver's side has some custom paint courtesy of the DOT in addition to its splash of tire shine.

What else does a true bro truck need? Mockery of those beta-males who don't drive bro trucks, of course.

"Only little boys that can't get it up drive low riders."

Anyway, I guess I'm being too harsh on this truck. I mean, it does have some impressive ground clearance, pretty aggressive tread on the tires, a locking rear end, etc. Despite being assembled on the cheap I'm sure it's seen a mud pit or two...

...nevermind.

area man > As Du Volant 06/30/2014 at 10:48

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But what did he trade it in for??

Brian Silvestro > As Du Volant 06/30/2014 at 10:48

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"Only little boys that can't get it up drive low riders."

LOL

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > As Du Volant 06/30/2014 at 10:50

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This shit right here is grounds for tire slashing.

thebigbossyboss > As Du Volant 06/30/2014 at 10:52

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If you want 22 inch chrome rims fine...why lift then? Also thanks for the H/t.

I enjoy your trade in files. Keep it up.

As Du Volant > area man 06/30/2014 at 10:52

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This.

It's got a 6.7 Cummins diesel, though I'm sure it's never going to get used for any actual towing or hauling.

I'd be very surprised if we don't see it rolling coal with holes in the bed/stacks within a year, with the dude bitching about his warranty coverage being declined due to hacking off all the emissions controls and chipping the ECM.

Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs > thebigbossyboss 06/30/2014 at 10:53

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Because he thinks it makes him look like a little boy.

area man > As Du Volant 06/30/2014 at 10:56

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I was going to say, that is far too tasteful for him as is.

FJ80WaitinForaLSV8 > As Du Volant 06/30/2014 at 11:47

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Gotta love that Chinese chrome.

AbsentiaInReason > As Du Volant 06/30/2014 at 11:52

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Newer drive shaft should be some rust if 4 years old? Did he twist the yoke off? Too much axle wrap from the shitty lift kit and locking diff? Actually though the sticker, I was always partial to "Jack it up because Fat Girls can't jump". This guy doesn't use this truck for anything but to stroke his ego.

Some folks do work their trucks. My son, the diesel mechanic, has the jack it up sticker on his 6" lifted 97 F250 SuperDuty PowerStroke w/the 12000 lb winches front & back, air bag assisted suspension, stacks and a utility toolbox bed. But then he's lead mech at an industrial farm - it does work off road every day just about. (plus his girlfriend can get in no problem)

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > As Du Volant 06/30/2014 at 12:22

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As someone who takes their lifted vehicle offroad, that lift makes me cringe. Especially being on a Chevy. Those rims are awful.

As Du Volant > AbsentiaInReason 06/30/2014 at 13:05

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It's an aluminum drive shaft.

Plenty of people do work their trucks, but as soon as I saw the 22" chrome wheels on this one I knew it was going to be a joke of a vehicle.

Lowband > As Du Volant 06/30/2014 at 13:56

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This is how it starts...

He ditches the Silverado for this Cummins-equipped Dodge, but within 6 months he'll realize that that he can't hang with all his new Dodge bros because he didn't get a dually. Shortly thereafter, he'll be pimping his girlfriend out and selling his XBox to buy a 1997 3500 dually Cummins which will promptly be equipped with an 8" straight pipe the rises through the bed behind the cab.

After he mods the piss out of the dually, he'll eventually be unable to keep making payments and spending $2000/month in repairs that were needed after all the coal-producing mods were done on the cheap and incorrectly.

Coty > As Du Volant 06/30/2014 at 14:04

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Ok :(

For Sweden > As Du Volant 06/30/2014 at 14:20

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That's...that's a nice truck. I'm confused by this bro's sudden good taste.

As Du Volant > Lowband 06/30/2014 at 14:25

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And then he'll come back to the dealership saying he can't afford the payments and needs to trade down, and wants the 3 year old Chevy Cruze we have on the used lot. Except he'll owe $15,000 more on the truck than it's worth and no bank in the world will finance him.

The Ram will get repoed, Dad will buy him a 2000 Focus so he can get to work and back, and then 6 months after that he'll be back again trying to buy a used pickup truck to jack up.

As Du Volant > For Sweden 06/30/2014 at 14:32

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It'll be short-lived.

ocbrad1 used to be iamhoff but is now just wandering around > As Du Volant 06/30/2014 at 14:40

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Those tires look pretty worn down. I'm going to guess that it actually hasn't seen any mud pits. Any dirt on the frame is at most due to driving on a dirt path out to a remote parking field for some concert festival.

As Du Volant > ocbrad1 used to be iamhoff but is now just wandering around 06/30/2014 at 14:54

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That's the thing, there was no dirt on the frame. A little surface rust and that's it. I think this thing stayed in the parking lot of the Dave Matthews concert.